he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
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