Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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