My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
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