I think im going to throw up on grandma
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
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