last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Randomize
