We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
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My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
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I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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