I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
there is glitter all over my balls
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