y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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