I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
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