ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Randomize
