god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
