I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
you traded sex for a burrito?
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
