I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
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