You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
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