life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
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