Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
