its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
I met the friendliest cop last night
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
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the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
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I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
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