smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
wakey wakey hands off snakey
i just sent this text using only my big toe
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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