and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
