I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
