The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
This baby is an asshole
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
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