you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Randomize
