If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
