I faked an abortion last night.
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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