I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I'm passing your future prison.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
