so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I think your dad took our porno
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize
