It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
her facebook's as public as her vagina
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
