I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
