hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Randomize
