Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Randomize
