Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
