there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
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