I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Shame - the story of my life.
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