I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
