Girls should come with a carfax report
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Randomize
