My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
