i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
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