at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
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