i'm signing you up for texting rehab
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Someone shattered a urinal.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Those nachos came to me in a dream
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