Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Randomize
