im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
