We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
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