Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
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