is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Randomize
