Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
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