My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
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