bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
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