I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
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