So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Randomize
