I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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