I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
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