I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
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