Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
