Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
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