Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
