you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Randomize
