In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Randomize
