Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
