Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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